So... my Mac hates Xanga too...

it's been a LONG LONG time.

I'm so conflicted as of late... it's weird... my food is erratic, my exercise increasing - my weight is bizarre (fluctuation x 1000) --- the worst part? I'm all eating disorder activism. Truly.

I mean. I'm running an organization that's trying to provide scholarships for treatment.. and here I am - drinking before 5pm... eating cake... and purging. or taking pills.


worse yet? I'm taking pills sometimes without realizing.

I'm doing a lot of things without realizing... dissociating a lot.

it scares me so so much. and i feel like i can't tell people that. that people don't get it.


i don't want to talk about it with my therapist, because it scares me. because i'm not sure if talking about it will positively impact my quality of life, you know?

left iop way back in july.

gained a ton of weight. got up to 124.

down to 109.

got a new tattoo





gross hair - pre shower
fat, wobbly arms. ever since that last shoulder surgery... all i ever have are fat arms. and my shoulder stills clicks so i can't even lift weights... 

two shoulder surgeries mean most arm exercises are out... i may have to invest in an aero pilates machine... i had one in high school... may be time to get one for myself